Transformation is messy - and you must let it be

Maybe it's because Spring is starting to creep closer in. With the lengthening days and the warmer moments in the sun we can feel ourselves unravel a bit more, exposing what has been growing, becoming, and evolving all winter long. 

Whatever it may be, I’m noticing a beautiful and messy trend in the midst of my sessions. Individuals, families, and groups of people doing gritty, hard, and trying work while expecting this piece of artwork they're creating to be orderly, composed, and complete. No one is all that surprised at the difficulty this work poses. It's rather logical for us to recognize that the art of changing your brain pathways will be a difficult task. And yet we somehow still expect ourselves to make it less…. well, messy. 

Here is what I see and hear sitting in the therapist's chair: a person- who by all means is creating something from nothing- telling their remarkable story. What I hear are observable moments of struggle laced with trailblazing moments. They detail small moments of triumph and experiences of vivacious vibrancy, yet they discuss them as though they are splattered mistakes because they were not a perfect brush stroke as intended. Let me be clear - it's so easy for me as an observer to see the utter beauty in this transformative art of change. I’m further away from it and nothing more than a witness. Yet I believe it's my duty as a witness to help the artist take steps away from their canvas and recognize that where they see splatters, I can visualize a new universe starting to take shape. Messy, yes, but transformation is nothing short of an awe-inspiring mess. 

In my work, fear is the most commonly focused on emotion and rightfully so. Fear, albeit incredibly useful for survival, is not always so useful in exploration and personal growth. Through my own messy journey, I can identify with how fear and anxiety has played a large role in my life and I feel honored to meet someone in their fear and help them learn how to become more thoughtfully acquainted with it. Fear does not care about mess - it’s got its sights set elsewhere. Whereas shame - shame focuses on the messy, nuanced, and detailed portions of transformation as though every molecule must be shaped precisely or the universe as we know it will fall. 

What does this look like in real time? Expecting oneself to ‘feel better’ immediately rather than incrementally. It looks like making a huge response change in how one manages their fears, yet focusing on how their change is not yet perfected. It appears when someone discusses having tough days in the midst of really good days, as though black ink has spread through our palette of pastels. 

Here’s the truth of it, transformation is messy and we must let it be. 

We need to give ourselves permission to notice what it’s like to have better moments, rather than expect ourselves to be better by now. We need to allow change to take time. Forming new habits around fear is not a simple act and it only makes sense that we might complete some changes now and some later on. We need to embrace the tough days and still hear our hearts singing in the midst of this journey. 

Tough days are validation of all the hard work you’ve been doing, not an indication of failure. 

Transforming one’s life in any capacity is a canvas made of many different mediums and when zoomed into close to any one section - you lose the bigger picture. Recognize that the messiness which keeps distracting you, it's the many brush strokes, the pen marks and sharp lines, the added bits of materials, and the splatters of different colors. They all make up a canvas of you. Brilliant, transformed, and messy in the most profound way one can be. 

So if you find yourself unraveling from the winter’s cocoon, please take part in the mess of transforming, it's the most worthwhile mess we humans can take part in.