The Joy & Grief of Planning
“The best laid plans go to waste.”
We’ve all seen this quote, had it said to us, understand it, and have often lived it… Yet isn’t it the actual worst when your plans do not pan out?
I must acknowledge that this blog post is inspired by my real life current events - a fun outdoor adventure turned into a rather strenuous knee injury that was absolutely NOT in my plans for a very busy Spring. It has left me with the bitter taste of regret, frustration, and disappointment. So what am I to do for my best laid plans now unraveled?
The actual art of planning has a thoughtful, loving, and often hopeful core to it. The act of using our energy to consider what we may want or need in our future can be considered a love letter to our future selves saying, “I love you so much and care about this scenario in such a real way that I’ve decided to play fortune teller with an educated guess on what you may need or will experience.” And as is true with any love that is rejected, plans that get up-ended by curve balls and unfortunate events leave the sting of loss and disappointment in its tracks amongst other tough emotions.
So should we not plan? Should we abandon the agency to perceive, promote, and step towards a goal or future we're hoping for? Obviously this is where I say, “No, of course not.” I’d never want the fear of disappointment or the difficulty of sitting with tough emotions to stop us from writing love letters to our future selves. Instead I ask you to consider that there is room for both joy and grief in the planning as well as in disappointed plans.
As discussed in the last blog post, hope is a scary thing for many of us. Yet as it relates to making plans and doing so with agency, it is one of the best intrinsic tools we have at our fingertips. This is also incredibly true in the face of planning and preparing.
Let’s quickly review what hope does give us and what it does not:
Hope gives us: connection to our goals & values, a sense of energetic direction, optimism, openness, and in many cases, love and hopefulness; something to look forward to!
Hope does not give us: certainty about one dang thing.
Agency, like hope, is another superpower originating from within us.
If you think of making plans like shooting an arrow - hope is the equivalent of shooting with your eyes wide open. It is the acknowledgement of owning that you care about something enough to make plans around it, with the balanced knowledge that you’re not necessarily promised anything. In positive psychology, hope is often considered an ‘agentic force’ towards accomplishing goals - essentially meaning it allows us to engage in agency to move towards what we value and care about. This process can be a pretty joyful one even in the face of uncertainty, because again, we’re essentially writing love letters to our future selves. In my case, the love letters I had mapped out for myself over the next 3-6 months included plans of travel, physical pursuits that bring joy, and leading a fast paced life as I work towards important goals of mine. I aimed my arrows with eyes wide open and with that same perspective I’m acknowledging that the arrows previously pointed will not be hitting their targets as I had hoped.
And that is okay.
I mean it's not - it's absolutely freaking not and I’ve had a number of temper tantrums and mini break downs to attest to it.
And that is fine. When we dare to plan, hope, and dream for ourselves the balance to that is the grief in letting go when life has other plans.
And what is unequivocally important in such moments is to allow ourselves to feel the grief as wholesomely as we allow ourselves to take part in the joy of planning for what we had hoped for.
What does this look like? Well as long as your menty b style is one that is kind, respectful, and compassionate to your mind and body; it's a good one. And there is literal neuroscience that shows letting yourself feel the feels, having a big ol’ cry, and taking care of yourself can physically decrease your cortisol levels and increase brain flexibility. Why? Because when our nervous system and brain see our capability to move through those tough emotions it actually increases our sense of agency. Back to the arrow example - if we shoot, miss the target, then never shoot again, all our brain and nervous system have learned is that we do not feel capable to manage the disappointment of plans unraveled. But when we shoot, miss, allow ourselves the time to recuperate, then shoot again, we’re amplifying our agency to create and sustain even in the face of disappointment.
This really comes down to a couple of major concepts:
Planning is great for us when we perceive it as a form of leaning into the unknown future with our joy and hopes leading the way.
Grief that is experienced when plans don't pan out is part of the natural course of the uncertain future. Although it can be a difficult experience, it’s one in which we can gain a lot of mental flexibility from when we keep ourselves open to feeling versus shrinking away.
In doing so, the joy and grief of planning can teach us just how capable we are to live in our agency, letting the power and hope within help us aim for our next shot.
So here’s me taking my next shot. I am hopeful that in the coming weeks and months while recovering from this injury and subsequent treatment, I can take part in an intentional slowness I may not have realized is SO needed to make my other hopes come to life.
Here’s to aiming with eyes wide open.
-C
