Seeking Control vs Embracing Agency
In a world that often feels out of control, seeking control can seem like an incredibly rational response. The sentiment that we might find something that allows us to feel powerful in the face of helplessness or certain in the face of uncertainty is as instinctive as taking a drink to quench thirst. However, taking a sip of something is more about exercising agency than about exerting control.
Control, as a behavior, is defined as the ability to directly influence and regulate something, to have enough power to make something happen the way we want it to. If you’ve ever dealt with anxiety, spiraling thoughts, OCD, trauma, or simply put, fear, you’ve likely experienced a similar feeling to thirst—a longing for control. I see this frequently in my work and in my own life. Despite its rationality, I believe seeking control is not particularly helpful.
Think of seeking control as a ‘you use it, you lose it’ dynamic. When feeling overwhelmed or fearful, you might try to control what's happening by making demands, seeking certain variables or items you think will influence the situation, or attempting to get ahead of whatever is occurring. The energy required to stay ahead of the current of life and fear is insurmountable, since life won’t stop and fear is inevitable. Thus, as you seek control, you may ‘fix’ small moments but feel less in control as new problems arise. Using it and losing it repeatedly leads to exhaustion, burnout, self-criticism, and sadness. In my opinion, this happens because many of us are taught this way, or we were never given other options. Society often imposes unreasonable expectations about what we can and cannot control in life. As many aspects of learning how to be human are, it's counterintuitive to give up control when you’re facing so much fear, but that process can yield agency and in doing so empowerment.
So, what is this agency? In social psychology, agency is referred to as ‘the power to originate action.’ This concept is not only cool sounding but also a powerful focus for us control-seeking humans. Here’s why it’s important:
When we focus on how power originates from within ourselves to take action, rather than trying to control others, variables, or objects, we become the source of power, not control. Moreover, this power is infinite. Unlike controlling a situation, where control is used and lost, agency allows us to take necessary action at any moment.
Control attempts to fix a moment, whereas agency empowers us for all moments to come.
How do we pivot from control-seeking to empowered agency? It involves consistently training oneself to choose differently. If control asks you to constantly look ahead to ‘figure out’ what’s next, agency encourages recognizing the power to act when it’s needed.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself to distinguish between controlling behavior and an empowered agency perspective:
Where is my energy and power for action most suited right now?
Does it feel as though I am stuck despite huge efforts?
Can I give myself time to see what happens next and act then, if necessary?
Notice the pattern? Shifting from control to believing in our agency makes a huge pivot from the future into the present. Returning to our analogy:
If thirst is the issue, control seeks to manage and influence every possible variable causing discomfort. Agency, however, assures you that you can always take a sip of water when needed.
If you’d like to learn more about agency or anything else - let me know in the comments!
